Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My pussy is not your playground.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
