i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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