tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Green mimosas i think yes
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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