Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
