i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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