i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
