You smell like a Billy Joel song
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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