So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
