Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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