so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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