So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
