this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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