You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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