hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
