sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
