My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
