im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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