they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
