OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
