I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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