Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
