Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
