Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
