Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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