Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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