Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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