I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
