Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize