I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
