I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Randomize
