We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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