As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
