best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
