i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
