he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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