He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
