I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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