fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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