he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
