He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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