Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
