she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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