Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
