you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
