We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
