I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
