he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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