drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
