imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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