You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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