she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
