am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
