i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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