That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
