just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize