If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
