I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
