I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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