i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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