it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You are a genius and a whore.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize