just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
