I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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