hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What drink are we having for lunch?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize