I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you had me at cake vodka
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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