Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I could fuck to npr.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
