i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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